Funny? I thought so!

[CaptainBazza]

I'd give my right arm to be ambidexterous. ARRGH!

Then your left arm would complain of being overworked.

Mind you, I met a Tasmanian the other day and he confided he was 'ambisexterous', I said to him, "Must be useful being able to count up to twelve on your fingers?"

(I think only an Aussie would understand that one.)

[douglee]

Hi,
I can prove I have 11 digits.

1-10 count up, 10-6 count down, plus 5 on the other hand makes 11.

Anything like that?

[CaptainBazza]

I've never really trusted digital calculations.

[dkightley]

Another variant...

Did you hear about the cowboy who died mounting his horse.

The stand collapsed....

[douglee]

Hi,

Do you hear the one about the cowboy? He was mounting his horse, slipped, fell off and broke his back. (Think about it!)

OH NO!
Brokeback Mountain!

[douglee]

Hi,

Then there was the cowboy that made a lassoo.




She slapped him.

[CaptainBazza]

Then there was the cowboy that made a lassoo.

The idea is to give up while still ahead.

Did you hear the one about the cowbow who had trouble mounting his horse?

It shied at the sight of him approaching with a stepladder.

Do you know the one about the cowboy's horse? (When you find it, please tell me.)

I'm confused, why is it that in America they have cowboys and cowpokes?

(On second thoughts, better make that last one a rhetorical question.)


This next one is not one of my originals.....do I hear cheering!?

But I loved the first line so much I just had to share it with you.....

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

That could be the lost cowboy's horse joke, perhaps?

And this one's for Jon and John, I'm sure they'll love it.

Political correctness
I think the political correctness is getting ridiculous. Today I overheard a little boy say he was going to go play a game of Cattle Management Specialists and Native Americans.

Cheers.

[CaptainBazza]

I can prove I have 11 digits.

1-10 count up, 10-6 count down, plus 5 on the other hand makes 11.

Ahhh, the old 'Banker's Dozen' gambit.


Cheers

[douglee]

Hi,


Lone Ranger and Tonto try to go into a saloon. Sign says, No Indians.
But it's cold out here says Tonto. Jog up and down to keep warm I wont be long. says The Lone Ranger.
A cowboy comes into the saloon and calls out.






Hey, Lone Ranger, you've left your injun running!

[CaptainBazza]

Doug, that's so un-PC!

Q: What is the best selling wild west food in the chinese take away.
A: Won Tonto soup.

Q: What do you call a dinasaur wearing a cowboy hat?
A: Tyranasaurus Tex.

Q: What did the cowboy strawberry say to the other cowboy strawberry?
A: “This punnet aint big enough for both of us.”

Q: Where do gay cowboy’s get their water from?
A: Broke Back Fountain!

Q: Where do gay cowboy’s get their egg’s from?
A: Yolk Back Mountain.

Q: What do you call a red indian dog trippin’ out it’s face on mescaline?
A: A Payote Cayote!

Q: Who what the first skeleton to haunt the wild west?
A: The Bone Ranger.

Q: Who is the laziest cowboy in the wild west?
A: The Stoned Ranger.

Q: Who is the fittest and leanest Cowboy in the West?
A: The Toned Ranger.

Q: What do you call a cowboy from out of town that’s been pulverised by a storm of Nokia’s?
A: The Phoned Stranger!!

For Doug, because he deserves them.
No, not mine, unfortunately, but I better stop before I'm run out of town.

Cheers Bazza

[douglee]

Hi Bazza,

For Doug, because he deserves them.
No, not mine, unfortunately, but I better stop before I'm run out of town.

Cheers Bazza

Yep! Those priamary school kids cant 'arf run.

Admit you haven't laughed then.

Any more for any more?


How about?
What do you get if you cross a _ _ _ _ _ with a _ _ _ _ _ ?

One from Bazzas neck of the woods. Kangaroo + Sheep = Woolly Jumper.

Go for it.

[CaptainBazza]

One from Bazzas neck of the woods. Kangaroo + Sheep = Woolly Jumper.

Yes, but luckily there's a wide sea between us.

In Oz, they reckon yer not a fair dinkum 'strine unless a kangaroo has used the bonnet of yer Holden as a springboard.

Anyway, I'll say nothing about an Aussie and his sheep, instead a photograph is worth a thousand chuckles.


http://www.thehumorarchives.com/joke/Th ... heir_sheep

[rfletcher72]

My mate Sid has been a victim of ID theft.





He's now called S.

[douglee]

My mate Sid has been a victim of ID theft.





He's now called S.

Bazza, Do you mean to say I am competing with a Web Site?

That's cheating. All my stuff is out of me memory.

[CaptainBazza]

So the therapy didn't work, Doug?



Actually, I don't want you think by any means that we Kiwis dislike the Aussies, we don't.....we just like them on the other side of the Tasman.

This joke is allegedly from an Aussie source:

Cloned Sheep

What did the Cloned Sheep say to the other sheep?

I am ewe.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
This one is maybe border-line although it says nothing explicit.

Laughter is often about risk taking.

Taxidermist

Two Aussie sheep drovers are sitting in their tent after a hard days work. Because of the size of the property they work on, they are miles from home. In fact, they're miles from anywhere, totally the back of beyond. They are both enjoying a beer under the shade of the awning of their tent when a man in a pin-striped suit, carrying a small brown briefcase and wearing a bowler hat passes by.

'Go and see who that clown is, Bruce, he must be lost,' says the senior of the two.

So Bruce scampers off after the city type gent. After about fifty yards he catches him up.

'Scuze me mate, are you bleedin' lost or summat.'

'Not at all, my man. I am conducting some field work connected with my employment.' was the haughty reply.

'You must have a funny kind of job, mate. What do you do for a living?' said the drover.

'I am a taxidermist.'

'No good you being out here then, there's no taxi's in the outback.'

'You don't understand, I stuff animals for a living.'

The drover is shocked but eventually asks, 'What sort of animals do you stuff?'

'Well, I've stuffed all sorts in my time, fish, birds, snakes, rabbits, crocodiles and I even stuffed an emu once.'

The drover is now very suspicious,

'You ever stuffed a sheep?'

'Why certainly.'

When the sheep-man eventually returns to the tent his mate asks,

'Well, who was that Charlie?'

'Nobody special,' was the reply, 'Just another drover.'


I do, however, apologise for posting Aussie oriented sheep jokes (yeah, right) because in Kiwiland we don't find our sheep are anything to joke about.

Cheers Bazza