JOKES

UKTRAINSIM · Post by **UKTRAINSIM** » Sun Jun 20, 2004 12:35 pm

No, its a nun chewing razor blades!

nwallace · Post by **nwallace** » Sun Jun 20, 2004 2:24 pm

Thought it was a penguin rolling down a hill

UKTRAINSIM · Post by **UKTRAINSIM** » Sun Jun 20, 2004 7:16 pm

No thats black and white, black and white, black and white

nwallace · Post by **nwallace** » Sun Jun 20, 2004 7:25 pm

ah yeah so it is.....

Not heard either for over 10 years.... some excuse

terrycunliffe · Post by **terrycunliffe** » Sun Jun 20, 2004 7:53 pm

An Alligator walks into a bar...

The barman enquires, "Why the long face?"

T

nwallace · Post by **nwallace** » Sun Jun 20, 2004 8:47 pm

3 pieces of rope walk into a bar,
The first one goes to bar and asks the bar man if he can have a pint of bitter, the barman explains to the piece of rope that he doesn't server pieces a rope and asks him to leave.
The second one goes up to the bar and before he could ask for a pint of 80' the bar man asks why he was asking for a drink when he saw his friend being thrown out, and was booted out the door.
Now the 3rd piece of rope gets up and goes to the bar, with out even a chance of asking for a pint of Black Sheep the bar man asks him
"Are you a piece of rope?" to which it replies, "Im sorry I'm a fraid not"

terrycunliffe · Post by **terrycunliffe** » Sun Jun 20, 2004 9:56 pm

A man tries to enter a nightclub, only to be refused entry by a bury bouncer. "You can't come in without a tie" he snorts.
The man is distraught... all his mates are inside, and he really wants to join them. "Where can I get a tie at this time of night?" he ponders. Looking around, there's only one place open, an all night garage. He suddenly has a thought, and goes to the garage and buys a set of jump-leads. He then proceeds to fasten them around his neck in a 'bootlace tie' fashion.
He goes back to the club "Can I come in now?" he enquires. The bouncer looks him up and down, ponders for a while and then says "Oh, OK then, but I'm warning you... Don't start anything!"

T

nwallace · Post by **nwallace** » Mon Jun 21, 2004 5:20 pm

A Legionaire has been walking lost in the desert for days and has just run out of water, as he crosses a dune he sees an Oasis with a bar... he crawls up to the door where he is met by a bouncer.

Waaaateeerrrr Waaateeeerrrr groans the man to the bouncer.
Im sorry you can't come in here sir you haven't got a tie

. ive forgotten the rest

Christopher125 · Post by **Christopher125** » Fri Jun 25, 2004 2:44 pm

Hi

I know of a great joke, indeed one of the biggest I know:

Robert Kilroy-Silk

'nuff said

Chris

UKTRAINSIM · Post by **UKTRAINSIM** » Fri Jun 25, 2004 4:26 pm

What about Linda Barker or Piers Morgan?

terrycunliffe · Post by **terrycunliffe** » Fri Jun 25, 2004 11:04 pm

During England's preperation before leaving for Portugal...
Paul Scholes, Ashley Cole and David Beckham are talking after training one day.
Paul "Have you noticed that the boss always leaves early but leaves us training all day?â€

Post by **martinhodgson** » Fri Jun 25, 2004 11:19 pm

bravedan · Post by **bravedan** » Sun Jun 27, 2004 4:52 am

Becks is in the locker room when he hears Coles telling Owen that the Boss has arranged for him to have a Cortezone Injection......he stomps straight in to Sven's office........

"Boss, it's not fair, if Coles is getting a new car I want one.............."

bravedan · Post by **bravedan** » Sun Jun 27, 2004 5:04 am

Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six
o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the
Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.

Posh turns to Becks and says: "David, I bet you Â£5,000 that he jumps!"
to which Beckham replies "Â£5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't."

So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the
man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes Â£5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh.

But she refuses. "I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth
is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going
to jump."

"No, babe, fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair and square
I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I
just didn't think he would do it again."

bravedan · Post by **bravedan** » Sun Jun 27, 2004 5:08 am

David Beckham walks into a beauty salon to get a hair cut with headphones on. The hairdresser asks him to take them off for the haircut and he replies "I can't, I'll die."

She proceeds to cut his hair and it looks awful. Six weeks later he comes in for another haircut. The hairdresser pleads with him to take his headphones off Once again the Becks replies "I can't, I'll die". So he receives another awful haircut.

Six weeks later Davey-boy turns up at the salon and once again the hairdresser says "Please take your headphones off - I can make your hair beautiful if you would just take off the headphones".

"I can't, I'll die" moans the overpaid plonker. The hairstylist proceeds to cut his hair. While doing so the Becks falls asleep. The hairstylist quickly thinks to herself - I will remove the headphones and replace them before he wakes up, I'll make his hair look wonderful.

Seconds after doing this he falls off the chair. The hairdresser checks and he isn't breathing. Dying to know what was keeping him alive, she places the headphones on her head.

She hears Posh Spice's voice saying, "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out."