JOKES

bravedan · Post by **bravedan** » Fri Jun 18, 2004 5:52 am

Sherlock Holmes and Mr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awakes and nudges his faithful friend awake.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes asks.

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

"Is that all?", Holmes asks.

"Yes." Watson replies. "Why, am I missing something?".

Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke:

"Watson, you absolute plonker, someone has stolen the ruddy tent."

terrycunliffe · Post by **terrycunliffe** » Fri Jun 18, 2004 7:37 am

Dr Watson arrives in Baker Street one fine morning, only to find Sherlock Holmes up on a ladder, painting the door of 221B a garish yellow.
"I sat, Holmes" enquires Watson, " Why are you painting the door in that horrible colour?"
To which Holmes replies, "A Lemon entry, My dear Watson"

Mattaf · Post by **Mattaf** » Fri Jun 18, 2004 9:12 am

terrycunliffe wrote:Dr Watson arrives in Baker Street one fine morning, only to find Sherlock Holmes up on a ladder, painting the door of 221B a garish yellow.
"I sat, Holmes" enquires Watson, " Why are you painting the door in that horrible colour?"
To which Holmes replies, "A Lemon entry, My dear Watson"

That is terrible! As are most of these.

I've got one.

A man walks into a bar. "Ouch!"

pepsipowell · Post by **pepsipowell** » Fri Jun 18, 2004 9:20 am

In a similar vein...Why do pyramids have horns instead of doorbells?

So you can toot-and-come-in!

Jonathan

Mattaf · Post by **Mattaf** » Fri Jun 18, 2004 9:21 am

A Jelly Baby and smarty are in a bar. The smarty says, "Do you want to go down to the night club?"
The Jelly baby says, "No thanks, I'm a softie, and people always pick on me and I hear it's a bit rough down there."
"Don't worry!" Says the smarty. "I'm a hard shell, I'll protect you!"
"Ok." Says the Jelly Baby

So they go down to the night club, have a few drinks, and have laugh. Suddenly, a gang of lockets come into the night club. The smarty dives under the table, leaving the Jelly baby defenceless. The lockets then proceed to beat the Jelly baby up and then leave the night club.

The Jelly Baby climbs onto a chair. The smarty comes out from under the table. â€œAre they gone?â€

duncharris · Post by **duncharris** » Fri Jun 18, 2004 3:12 pm

Q. What is the name of the Frenchman who invented the sandal?

A. Phillippe Phloppe.

UKTRAINSIM · Post by **UKTRAINSIM** » Fri Jun 18, 2004 4:22 pm

A man walked into a pub with a steering wheel on the end of his penis.

Barman-Did you know mate you've got a steering wheel on your penis?

Man-I know its driving me nuts!

alex2008 · Post by **alex2008** » Fri Jun 18, 2004 4:57 pm

UKTRAINSIM wrote:errrrrrrrrr...........other jokes anyone? This was meant to be a joke dissussion not all anti German. I mean I'm not Robert Kilroy Silk!

Or a political debate, but on that note...

Cherie Blair walks into a bar with a pig under her arm,
'OMG' shouts the barman 'thats the ugliest living thing I have ever seen! Where on earth did you get it?'
'oh I picked it up at the market' replied the pig.

man walks into a bar 'ouch'

why is sand yellow? because the sea weed

* Knock-knock
# whos there
* big ish
# big ish who
* not today thanks

A German man is interrogating a clock 'you cannot keep this silence up, ve arv vays of making you tock'

saddletank · Post by **saddletank** » Fri Jun 18, 2004 8:49 pm

What do you call a man with a tree on his head?

Edward

saddletank · Post by **saddletank** » Fri Jun 18, 2004 8:50 pm

What do you call a man with a forest on his head?

Edward Woodward.

UKTRAINSIM · Post by **UKTRAINSIM** » Fri Jun 18, 2004 10:28 pm

Two blokes were on a bench. One of which had a brand new push bike with him.
The second bloke said to him ''where did you get that bike from?''.

The first bloke replied ''well, I was just walking down the street, minding my own business when this girl rides up to me on this new bike. She stopped, threw the bike down, took all her clothes off and said 'take what you want'. And I think I made the right choice, as the clothes didn't fit and the girl was fat''.

Garthion · Post by **Garthion** » Sat Jun 19, 2004 8:36 pm

Here's one

What is an Autobiography?

The Life Story of a car!

Tony Blair and George Bush go to Iraq
Tony: Say George Why are we here?
Goerge: (in a moment of pure sanity) Why to get shot and end this war!

terrycunliffe · Post by **terrycunliffe** » Sat Jun 19, 2004 9:32 pm

What's Black and White and eats like a horse?

A Zebra.

(tumble-weeds roll by.......)

Mattaf · Post by **Mattaf** » Sun Jun 20, 2004 11:49 am

Whats black, white and red all over?

A newspaper, you twit!

pepsipowell · Post by **pepsipowell** » Sun Jun 20, 2004 11:57 am

No, a sunburnt zebra!

Jonathan