JOKES

bravedan · Post by **bravedan** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 8:10 pm

Boy comes home from school

Father - You're early?

Son - I've been expelled!

Father - why?

Son - Teacher asked me what 2 times three was, so I said 6

Father - So?

Son - Then she asked me what 1 times 6 was..........

Father - What's the bloody difference?

Son - That's what I said..................

bravedan · Post by **bravedan** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 8:15 pm

Why is "Abbreviation" such a long word??

UKTRAINSIM · Post by **UKTRAINSIM** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 8:16 pm

There was an old hedgehog who was sitting at the side of a road. He was just staring into the distance saying '88,88,88'. Then a younger hedgehog came along and said 'mind if I join in?'. The older hedgehog replied 'sure'.

So they were just sitting at the side of the road going '88,88,88'.

After a while, the younger hedgehog said 'this is getting a bit boreing isnt it?'. The older hedgehog replied 'well go out to the middle of the road and do it. It's much more fun out there!'

So the younger hedgehog went out to the middle of the road and went '88,88,88'. Car comes along..................SPLAT.
And the older hedgehog went '89,89,89'

bravedan · Post by **bravedan** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 8:20 pm

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains, when over a bluff sweeps a huge pack of marauding war painted Apache.

Lone Ranger - "looks like we are in trouble, Tonto!"

Tonto - What do you mean "WE", White Man??

bravedan · Post by **bravedan** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 8:28 pm

There were two old men sat in deckchairs, and one said "It's nice out, Isn't it?"

And the other one said " (Morecambe and Wise stopped here, too)

suffolk · Post by **suffolk** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 8:35 pm

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town and go into the bank, just as they walk in one of the locals looks up and says "I'm glad you're here I need to borrow some money", the masked man looks puzzled and replies "well how do think I can help", to which the man says "well you are the loan arranger are'nt you".

bravedan · Post by **bravedan** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 8:36 pm

Two blokes are in a supermarket when their shopping trollies collide.

"I'm sorry, I was looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate, she's been gone ages"

"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with shoulder length blonde hair, long legs, firm athletic body and a magnificent backside. What does your wife look like?"

"Never mind, let's look for yours!"

bravedan · Post by **bravedan** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 8:41 pm

A blonde was speeding down the road in her little red BMW "hairdresser's" sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her handbag and was getting progressively more agitated. "Oh Dear, What DOES it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked in the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.

bravedan · Post by **bravedan** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 8:56 pm

A blonde calls her boyfriend and tells him in an excited voice, he must come over immediately and give her a hand with a jigsaw puzzle she just bought. "It's awsome" she tells him, "hurry on over, I can't wait to get started!"

"What is it supposed to be?" he asks.

"Well the picture on the box is a tiger." she replies. "But it's very complicated and I cant find any starting pieces, hurry up!"

He agrees to come over and heads to her house.

When arrives she meets him at the door very excited. Taking him by the hand she leads him into the kitchen where the pieces are spread out over the table.

Standing in front of the table squeezing his hand she says in a very excited tone, "I have made you a coffee, isn't this going to be a great evening?"

Looking at the table, the boyfriend sighs, gives her hand a squeeze and says "Babe, after we drink the coffee, we'll put all these Frosties back into the box."

terrycunliffe · Post by **terrycunliffe** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 8:59 pm

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town on a very hot day. Silver is pretty distressed by the heat, so as they dismount outside the Saloon, the faithful Tonto says " Go inside my freind, and refresh yourself, Me Tonto will cool Silver down" With that, Tonto proceeds to run around and around Silver, waving a blanket and fanning him.
5 mins later, The Lone Ranger is still stood at the bar, when a cowhand enters the saloon and proclaims to the throng inside, "Which one of you guys has left his injun runnin'?"

bravedan · Post by **bravedan** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 8:59 pm

Two blondes walk into a building................

You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

suffolk · Post by **suffolk** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 9:05 pm

Heard the one about Seamus who completed a jigsaw puzzle in 1 day, he was well pleased because it had 3-5 years on the box.

terrycunliffe · Post by **terrycunliffe** » Thu Jun 17, 2004 9:13 pm

A piece of Black tarmac enters a bar, and quietly orders a pint. Suddenly, the door bursts open and a piece of green tarmac rushes into the pub, thumps the bar and demands in a loud and threatening voice "A pint of Bitter NOW!!!" The barman serves the green tarmac, who promply downs the pint in one, and storms out of the pub, slamming the door behind him.
"I wonder whats to do with him?" enquires the barman. The piece of black tarmac replies, "Don't worry mate. He's a bit of a cycle path"

Pathetic, eh

bravedan · Post by **bravedan** » Fri Jun 18, 2004 5:38 am

An old man goes to see a Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for many years.

The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

bravedan · Post by **bravedan** » Fri Jun 18, 2004 5:46 am

A guy and his blonde wife live in Northern Canada. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through".

The wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later, while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today, you must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow-
plow can get through.".

So, she goes out and moves her car.

The next week they are having breakfast again and the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 -12 inches of snow today, you must park.........CLICK." ............and at that point the electricity supply fails.

The wife calls to her Husband, "Honey, I don't know what to do..."

He says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."