Some Jokes

[dipper6]

Four married men went fishing.

After a while, the following conversation took place.

First man: " You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second man: " That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck at the top of the garden."

Third man: " You both have it easy! I had to promise my wife a new kitchen."

The fourth man did not say a word, so they asked him:

"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal'"

Fourth man: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex'" and she said, " Wear a Sweater."

[dipper6]

Miracle
-----------

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front
of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then
throws away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the
priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says,
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle.
Tell me, where is this man'"
"Flat on his backside over by the holy water, Father"

[dipper6]

Jose & Carlos are panhandling on the street. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says "Look at your sign. It says: I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."

[dipper6]

A farmer hitched his blue-ribbon-winning bull to a plough and started to work his back forty. A neighbour happened by and asked, "Isn't that your prize bull you have pulling that plough'"
"Sure is," answered the farmer.
"Well, why do you have him ploughing instead of putting him out to stud'"
"I want to teach him that life ain't all play."

[dipper6]

"Murder at Safeway"



Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy
marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems
by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with
himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious
underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie."

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for
snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he
was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have
any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance
money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front.

The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single
dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed
to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in
the produce department and proceeded to strangle
her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath
and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce
department stumbled unexpectedly onto the
scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie
had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured
by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security
guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he
could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station,
Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper,
the headline declared:





"Artie Chokes Two For A Dollar At Safeway."...

[dipper6]

Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:

1.Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch'"

12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support'"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you'"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed'"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder'"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show' How did you get this cup holder' Does it have any trademark on it'"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

[dipper6]

Joshua is out shopping in Brent Cross shopping centre when he bumps into his friend Sam outside Pavins the jewellers.
Sam has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand. "Hi Sam," says Joshua, "what have you been buying, may I ask'"
"Well, to tell you the truth," replies Sam, "it's my Miriam's birthday tomorrow and when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, she said, 'Oh, I'll leave it up to you, darling, but how about something with lots of diamonds in it.'"
"So tell me already, what did you buy her'" asks Joshua.
"I bought her two packs of Bridge cards," replies Sam

[dipper6]

Arnold is doing some shopping at Brent Cross Shopping Centre when he meets Lionel. They haven't seen each other for many years.
"So what are you doing with yourself these days, Lionel'" asks Arnold.
"Well," replies Lionel, "I used to work for Rothschilds Bank but I retired last year."
"Lucky old you," says Arnold, "so what do you do with yourself all day'"
"I get up late each morning," replies Lionel, "have my breakfast and then lie down on my veranda and relax. At midday, I go inside for some lunch. Then I go outside and lie on my veranda again. At the end of the day, I have dinner and drink only the finest of wines. Then I light up a good cigar. Later on, I go lie on my veranda again."
"Wow," says Arnold, "that sounds fantastic to me. I envy you. Please God I should make enough money to retire soon."
When Arnold gets home, he tells his wife Naomi all about his conversation with Lionel. After hearing Arnold's story, Naomi asks, "Did he tell you his wife's name'"
"I'm not sure," replies Arnold, "but I think it's Veranda."

[dipper6]

A sweet little old lady surprised the young social worker that was interviewing her when she volunteered, " Of course I believe in making love on the first date. "
"That's pretty modern thinking for an 80-year-old woman," the social worker commented.
"Well honey, you know one can never be sure of having a the second date with these old guys!"

[dipper6]

Where Would You Be ...
If - You Had All The Money Your Heart Desires'
If - You Had No Worries'
If - You Came Home And The Finest Meal Is Awaiting You
If - Your Bathwater Had Been Run'
If - You Had The Perfect Kids'
If - Your Partner Was Awaiting You, With Open Arms And Kisses'
So, Where Would You Be'
You'd Be In The Wrong Blasted House ...

[dipper6]

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "We don't need any one," they replied. "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any thing." "We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two cheques, one for a $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy. "How in the world did you do that," they asked. "I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime."
"Did you get a urine sample'" they asked him. "What's that'" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand.
He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's."
"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets'"
"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!"

[dipper6]

A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos'"

[dipper6]

Lexophile newsletter

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tyred.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. I Removed this one Dipper6
23. When you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

[dipper6]

IT'S THE LAW
ALASKA Laws
In Alaska, it is legal to shoot bears. However, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

FLORIDA laws
Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday. (But... married women can'')
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
It is illegal to skateboard without a license. (How'd them 6-y/o's get licenses')
You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
It is considered an offence to shower naked. (honey, give me your panties... I gotta shower!)



DUMB TENNESSEE LAWS
You can't shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile.
Hollow logs may not be sold.
Any person crippling, killing or in any way destroying a proud female dog that is running at large shall not be held liable for the damages due to such killing or destruction.
It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
"Crimes against nature" are prohibited.
Stealing a horse is punishable by hanging.
Driving is not to be done while asleep.
It is legal to gather and consume roadkill.

TENNESSEE, Dyersburg
It is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.

TENNESSEE, Fayette County
You may not have more than five inoperable vehicles on a piece of property.

TENNESSEE, Lenoir City
When you pull up to a stop sign you must fire a gun out the window to warn horse carriages that you are coming.

TENNESSEE, Lexington
No one may eat ice cream on the sidewalk. Spitting on the sidewalk Is prohibited.

TENNESSEE, Knoxville
In front of their buildings, all businesses must have a "hitching post."

TENNESSEE, Memphis
Illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. (Wonder how much they enforce this')
It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM.
Panhandlers must first obtain a $10 permit before begging on the streets of downtown Memphis.
(Passed in 1996) It is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners.
It is also illegal to take unfinished pie home. All pie must be eaten on the premises.

TENNESSEE, Oneida
An ordinance forbids anyone to sing the song "It Ain't Goin' To Rain No Mo'."

WISCONSIN Laws
One may not camp in a wagon on any public highway or risk a fine of up to ten dollars. (Beats the hell outta Sheraton Hotel bills!)
Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.
It is a class A misdemeanour to wave a burning torch around in the air.
The government may not prohibit manual flushed urinals.
Livestock have the right-of-way on public roads.
Junk dealers may not make any business transactions with drunk persons.
It is illegal to kiss on a train.
If one is thought of as offensive looking, it is illegal for him to be in public during the day.
It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.

WYOMING Laws
All new buildings that cost over $100,000 to build must have 1% of funds spent on art work for the building. (I wonder how many people got arrested for not doing that')
Any person who fails to close a fence is subject to a fine of up to seven hundred and fifty dollars. (What about trick'or treaters who LEAVE people's gates open intentionally')
It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking. (I can see the cop with a measuring rule standing nearby watching!)
It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs people's view in a public theatre or place of amusement. (Now THAT makes sense!! I can remember in my younger days, wanting to 'bitch-slap' women who wore opera hats to the movies and blocked my view of the screen!)

[dipper6]

Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are traveling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in England.

At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket'" asks one of the Kiwis.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Aussies. They all board the train. The Kiwis take
their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind
them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He
knocks on the toilet door and says, "Tickets please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!! "How are you all going to travel without any ticket'" says one perplexed Kiwi. "Watch and learn," answers an Aussie.

When they board the train the three Kiwis cram into a toilet and soon after the three
Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the
Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding. He
knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."