JOKES

bravedan · Post by **bravedan** » Sun Jun 27, 2004 5:14 am

David Beckham was speaking at a management conference and in response to a question said, "Well the great thing about them is they're only two calories and leave your mouth feeling fresh for an hour."

A voice from the back called out, "David, we wanted you to speak about TAC-TICS"

bravedan · Post by **bravedan** » Sun Jun 27, 2004 5:15 am

David Beckham boards an aircraft and goes straight through into the First Class seats.

Stewardess comes along to him and tells him he is booked in Economy Class, but he refuses to move out of First.

The bloke sitting next to Becks whispers to the stewardess, "I'm a psychologist, and if you'll let me speak privately with Mr Beckham, I'm sure this can be sorted out".

A minute later, DB stands up, gets his bag out of the rack and walks back into Economy.

The stewardess is amazed, and asks the psychologist how he had persuaded Beckham to leave First.

"Oh", he says, "I just told him the First Class section isn't going to New York".

saddletank · Post by **saddletank** » Sun Jun 27, 2004 3:01 pm

A man walks into a bar. "What's the quickest way to get to Dublin from here?" he asks. "Well now," replies Paddy, "are ye drivin, or walkin?" "I'm driving." replies the tourist. And the barman says "Ah, well, that'd be the quickest way."

Garthion · Post by **Garthion** » Sun Jun 27, 2004 8:53 pm

A Londoner asks a Yorkshireman the way to York

"Well I wouldn't start from Here if I were ye!"

degzc · Post by **degzc** » Thu Jul 01, 2004 6:34 pm

two old ladies decided to have their portraits taken. One was nearly deaf. As they entered the studio, the photographer asked them to take a seat.

The deaf one asked, "What did he say?" and the other one told her he wanted them to sit down. Then the photographer asked them to sit closer so that he could focus the camera, and the deaf one asked, "What did he say?" and the other old lady told her he was going to focus, to which the deaf one replied, "What. both of us?"

degzc · Post by **degzc** » Thu Jul 01, 2004 6:42 pm

A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what happened. "The phone rang, and I accidently picked up the hot iron"
"What about the other one?" Asked the doctor.

The blonde replied, "They called back"

degzc · Post by **degzc** » Tue Jul 20, 2004 3:06 pm

Paddy comes into the bar with both feet covered in bandages. " What happened to yer feet." said Pat. "Well oi burnt them cookin' baked beans." said Paddy. " How could you burn yer feet cookin' baked beans."said Pat.
" Well oi read the instructions and they said pierce the can, then stand in boilin' water for fifteen minutes."

degzc · Post by **degzc** » Thu Jul 29, 2004 10:58 am

Where's all the comedians out there? How about some jokes to keep this thread going!!!!!

alanhowat · Post by **alanhowat** » Thu Jul 29, 2004 11:03 am

Hi all,

"Hi *****", (name to suit) then looking at watch "I've got a couple of minutes to spare, tell me everything you know!"

Cheers,

Alan.

UKTRAINSIM · Post by **UKTRAINSIM** » Thu Jul 29, 2004 6:33 pm

A bloke went to the toilet on the train. As he dropped his trousers, he suddenly pulled the communication cord. The gaurd came along to see what was happening.

Gaurd: Hey! What do you think your doing?

Bloke: I've got hoemaroides. I had to pull the cord.

Gaurd: Well I've got hoemaroides. What difference does that make?

Bloke: Yeah well yours are not wrapped around the axle are they?

degzc · Post by **degzc** » Thu Jul 29, 2004 8:30 pm

That's the spirit, let's keep them coming, nothing like a good laugh to brighten eveyones day. Try this one:
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, wherupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and ask the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again----but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Garthion · Post by **Garthion** » Thu Jul 29, 2004 9:15 pm

VERY GOOD!!!

A mouse walks into a bar and orders a drink,

MOUSE: Squeak squeakity squeak?
BARTENDER: I'm sorry, we don't do half measures 'ere mate!
MOUSE: Well I didn't bloody ask for one did I? I asked for a pint you animal hater

degzc · Post by **degzc** » Sat Jul 31, 2004 1:38 pm

Three men die on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on,"It represents a candle." he said. " You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied
They're Carols"

UKTRAINSIM · Post by **UKTRAINSIM** » Sat Jul 31, 2004 11:43 pm

I don't wish to be rude but I though you ought to know about this one.

A mate of mine recently bought a luminus green condom and took it to his girlfriend. She said 'right, stick it on, lie in bed with nothing on apart from the luminus condom, turn all the lights off and i'll leap in naked and JUMP ON IT!'.

I said 'I bet that must have been a laugh mate?'

He said 'it was I put it on the bed post'.

sp762 · Post by **sp762** » Mon Aug 02, 2004 6:54 am

There was a bit of German bashing earlier in the thread. By way of redress, then, and appealing to the natural tendency of the English to loathe the French, I present a short military history of France.

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the British, (who according to the Americans, are in turn saved by the United States.) Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, the widespread use of condoms forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Or, better still, the quote from a recent Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."