Atomic Systems

Health & Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs

The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels' hooves.

Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed - Social services???????

Very good.

I trust you undertook a risk assessment before posting that to us?

In my class we all made up a edited Christmas song. Mine was:

Jingle bells, Boeing smells,
Airbus saved the day,
Helios 522 crashed in the middle of may,
YAY!

and my friends was:

Zooming though the sand,
in v8 powerd truck,
heading to Iraq,
or was it Iran?

My daughter went to the patomine with a group last night and was telling me that the tradional throwing of sweets into the audience has been banned because there is a danger someone could be injured

Nice to see British humour alive and well.
Thanks for the laugh.

Regards,
Michael

My daughter went to the patomine with a group last night and was telling me that the tradional throwing of sweets into the audience has been banned because there is a danger someone could be injured

Of course, it was not Health and Safety legislation that banned the throwing of sweets.....it was the legislation ignorant, scared of doing anything, weak willed, do gooding theatre management that banned this traditional act. Helped on by the money-grabbing compensation culture that has set in nowadays.

Health and safety legislation is actually a good thing.......its the twits that sit between the legislation and real life that is the problem.

dkightley wrote:

My daughter went to the patomine with a group last night and was telling me that the tradional throwing of sweets into the audience has been banned because there is a danger someone could be injured

Of course, it was not Health and Safety legislation that banned the throwing of sweets.....it was the legislation ignorant, scared of doing anything, weak willed, do gooding theatre management that banned this traditional act. Helped on by the money-grabbing compensation culture that has set in nowadays.

Health and safety legislation is actually a good thing.......its the twits that sit between the legislation and real life that is the problem.

Hi

I Agree.
Probably the cost of cleaning the theatre as much as anything.

Cheers
Jon

I agree with Doug up to a point: it's the mindless interpretation of legislation that does the most harm. If I had the proverbial pound for every time someone has told me they can't do or say something "due to the data protection act"...

I'd also note that, at the time of the first Christmas, it was also considered acceptable by the state to go around slaughtering babies. Glad we've moved on from that!

But, all gravitas aside, my wife and I had a good laugh at the original post: very witty and an appropriate reminder of the risks of taking ourselves too seriouly.

Did you see the latest railway related H&S report. A train delayed between Newbury and London was offering free refreshments to passengers in the buffet car. One passenger fancied an egg sandwich but was refused even when he offered to pay. A queue built up whilst he argued the point. Apparently, if it was necessary for passengers to leave the train which might require descending to the track, he could choke on a sandwich. The train operator has apologised and says that this was not their official policy.

I agree with the sentiments of the first post and Doug's response. Health and Safety and more recently "data protection" are convenient shields for management to hide behind when faced with having to make a decision - especially one which will either cost money or could have legal implications.

Having been a union health and safety rep on an industrial site I have seen some shockingly dangerous practices either ignored or even encouraged by management. In 1 incident on site 2 men died because they failed to follow proper safety procedures relating to working in underfloor pits on the shop floor. Management knew people were cutting corners but ignored it because the job was getting done.

Kindest regards

John

I found that amusing. (the jokes that is !)

What a lot of these so-called H&S sticklers ignore is that the basic tenet of H&S law is that Health and Safety is a personal thing. Management and operators have to provide the tools to make a safe environment, but it's the responsibility of the individual to use them and maintain him (her) self in a safe condition. My company, for instance, provides me with leather gloves to protect my hands - but if I fail to use them, I am at fault, not them - and I am criminally liable if I do. They can refuse to let me work if I do not have a Hi-Vis vest and safety shoes, but once out on the road, they have no control; any breaches are then my decision. While we do what we can to create a safe environment, nothing in the world is going to prevent an idiot from being just that and doing something stupid. It's often said that it is every man's God-given right to make an absolute fool of himself if he so desires; all we can do is make the situation as safe as possible for him and everyone else when he does.