Some Jokes

[dipper6]

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full' They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else.
The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles
or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the
small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."
"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The
rest is just sand."

But then...

A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is:

That no matter how full your life is, there is always room for Beer.

[dipper6]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[dipper6]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.
"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news'".
With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

[dipper6]

After a couple more letters the two arranged to meet in the farmer's local inn/pub on the coming Saturday. That evening came and the businessman arrived. Despite the heavy clouds of pipe smoke and an hour passed in most pleasant conversation, the pair turning out to have much in common.

"Well," sighed the farmer eventually, "I haven't had such a good yak for a long time, but I suppose it's about time we got down to business, eh'" "Sure," replied the other, "but maybe we could go somewhere else' Y'see, I'm findin' it kinda hard to concentrate with this much smoke." "Ah, there's no need for that", said the farmer, "watch this!" He then proceeded to take an amazingly deep, deep breath, sucking in every last particle of smoke in the room. Then he leaned over to the partially open window behind him and blew all the smoke out into the night.

"Hey, how the heck did you manage that'" gasped the American.
"Oh, it was nothing; you see, I'm an ex-tractor fan."

[dipper6]

ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE

It has long been contended that there are male jokes
and there are female jokes, and there are unisex
jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.
I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love
it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work
cocktail with her girlfriends when an
exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the
woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive
stare and walked directly toward her.
(As all men will.) Before she could offer her
apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and
whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely
anything, that you want me to do, no matter what, for $20.00....on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want
me to do in just three words."

The woman considered
his proposition for a moment, and Then Slowly removed
a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the
man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply
into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully
said...."Clean my house."

[dipper6]

"How Does One Get to Heaven - Is it Faith or Works'"

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit'" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a
gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to
leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest
and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his
bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground."

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the stuffing out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen'"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

[dipper6]

"Spring Fishing"

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the
counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel'"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it
makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week
for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind
clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he
wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and
reel were on sale for $20.00' How did you get $34.50'"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00
and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.

[dipper6]

The below are all written by children...
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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY'

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kristen, age 10

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WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON'

(1) Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8
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WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED'

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
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HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED'

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

[dipper6]

A few Golf Caddy comments . . . . .


Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long'"

*****************
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

*****************
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving'"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

*****************
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron'"
Caddy: "Eventually."

*****************
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a
distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch-it's a compass."

*****************
Golfer: "How do you like my game'"
Caddy: "Very good, sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

*****************
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.".

[dipper6]

WHO DOES WHAT
--------------------
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

[dipper6]

CREATION
-----------
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be
attracted to me; and God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

[dipper6]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
-----------------------

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours'"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[dipper6]

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
-----------------------------

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

[dipper6]

Mental Test:

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home'"

[dipper6]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond man were working on the scaffolding at the 20th floor. When they stopped for luinch, the Irishman opened his box and said - I hate corned beef and cabbage. If I get it for lunch one more time I'll jump!

The Mexican opened his lunch and said - I'm sick of burritoes, if I get them one more time, I'll jump.

The blond man opened his lunch box and exclaimed - If I get baloney sandwiches again, I'll jump.

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunchbox, found corned beef and cabbage again, and jumped. The Mexican found burritos again, so he jumped. The blond man open his lunch up and found baloney sandwiches, so he jumped.

At the funeral, the wailing Irishman's wife said, - if she'd only known he hated corned beef so much, I would have given him something else. The Mexican's wife said - if she'd only known he hated burritos, she would have given him enchiladas.

Then everyone looked at the blonde man's wife, who said - don't look at me, he made his own sandwiches!